[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Ferrari squats