So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Does beer think about me too?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.