Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I鈥檓 funny, and now I鈥檓 sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you鈥檙e my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That鈥檒l be $25
Me: Here鈥檚 a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That鈥檒l be $24.84
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I鈥檓 up!
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 馃檪
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Canada鈥檚 Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever鈥檚 responsible is in some hot water.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
If it doesn鈥檛 make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it鈥檚 not really hot sauce.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone鈥檚 way at the grocery store.