Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal