What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head