When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
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0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs