Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.