me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.