My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Happy Thanksgiving
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
(Musicians.)
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”