[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo