Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
This could’ve been an email.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.