My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Actually cracking up @ this
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.