Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Optional boss fight.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen