Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Dead sexy!!
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?