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Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…