Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My work here is don’t.