When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
bad news gang
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I have no passwords left in me
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6