Ok, but like, how married are you?
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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…