Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.