Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Not all heroes wear capes….
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
This anagram machine is out of order.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you