People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.