If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”