Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire