Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.