The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.