“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
How I like cutting carbs
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.