You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread