Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”