Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.