Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
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*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Ok, but like, how married are you?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
He took my last fry, your honor
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.