Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
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the three branches of government
i dont have time for this
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow