Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées