It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
#Caturday
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.