I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Dear Lord..
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”