How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
British websites use biscuits.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
That’s enough internet for the day
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.