What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.