Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Guys, I found it.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
classic mixup
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.