Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL