Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie