A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*