“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
having children is a pyramid scheme.