You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
You Might Also Like
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Any refunds available?…
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.