[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no