me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.