Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I’m awake but I object,
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose