John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.