*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Bless you
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .