The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.