My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
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My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Grandmother clock.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Waiting for the Charmin
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.