Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming